So, exam times once more. Same old, same old. Well, not quite. This time I actually, believe it or not, made a bit of an effort to put in some hours with the books. Maybe it was the guilt of having to pay a hefty fine over my attendance, maybe it was the need to live up to expectations(I overestimate, as usual), maybe it was the need to please, or maybe it was all of those or none of it. Bottom line, in this sweltering May heat, I've spent many a wakeful hour alternately poring over pages upon pages of incomprehensible rubbish, or sitting in the quiet of my little balcony as the dark night lifts to paint a picture of dawn.
Now, it's been many a year since I last studied like this. Class ten, board exams, yes. After many a people telling me how my life will be ruined if I didn't study and this is all that counts in the future, I did take to books about ten days before the exam. Let's not even go into what happened during class 12 boards. I recall not even having the required books for every subject.
Now, you might wonder why I did that.Wait, no, let's take some responsibility here. Now, I might wonder why I did that. And I do. Was it because I thought too highly of myself? Study at the last minute and still do well? Was I ever really that brilliant to justify such a line of thought? No. Yet I did. I am unreasonable and cocky. Was it because, I did not think too highly of just another school exam having the ability to alter the glorious future that I'd imagined for myself? What meaning do marks hold after all? I could joke myself into a high profile job couldn't I? Because the office clown is such a lucrative job offering reserved in any and every company, just-for-me. I am delusional and over confident. Or was it because, whatever be the outcome, whatever be the future, whatever it all meant and held, I just could not care. How does it matter if I do well or not. How does it matter if people do better than me. How does it matter, if total imbeciles that I spent my school days making fun of, will one day have the power to lord over me? How does it matter? Do I care? No. I am indifferent and totally and completely hopeless.
And now, today, this week, this month, this year, I no longer think highly of myself, because, I've been shown otherwise, I no longer see a glorious future, because I've dreamt otherwise, and most importantly, and now, this week, this month, this year, I do care, because it matters once more.
So, lets get back to the moot cause, which be irritation. Yes, I am being unreasonable, and I am being touchy (more than usual), and rude(pretty close to usual though). I spent yesterday night, cursing, kicking at walls, but when the grey skies opened up to the light blue horizons, when the first ray of sunlight flickered across the shadows of mist, I sat on my balcony a book in hand, tired, frustrated, angry, but satisfied, pleased and with a purpose. I feel bad for inflicting my irritation around, and I wish I wouldn't, and I wish for a lot of other things. But yet, at the end of it all, when all this passes, my heart still fills with joy, when the skies are grey. I wish, I hope and I dream.
P.S. My internet connection is restored. So. Suffer mortals!